All hopes are GONE forever!

On 23 Sep 2004, I was scheduled to go for an OB/GYN ultrasound scan to measure my baby's heartbeat at 3pm. I arrived at the X-ray department at about 3pm. The wait to be called in was not very long. The sonographer was from Phillipines. She was very friendly and gentle. I have forgotten her name though. This was my second ultrasound scan at the X-ray department, eagerly hoping to see my baby's heartbeat. During the scan, I was not able to see what was scanned. It kept me guessing and wondering. I was very worried and kept asking if she can detect my baby's heartbeat. The scan took 45 minutes. I was getting really worried. She did not answer my question whether she could see my baby's heartbeat. Then she told me she gotta go and ask her doctor. I laid there and waited for long 5 minutes before she came back and told me she had finished scanning. I asked again "Can you see the baby's heartbeat?" She told me to see my Obstetrician and he will be able to tell me. She did not say anything else.

One hour later, after collecting the x-ray films and the report, on my way to see my Obstetrician, I opened the envelop and read the report. It was reported that the gestation sac had shrank as compared to the previous scan. I told my husband, "something is wrong". I became anxious and nervous. I did not believe on my judgement. I tried not to think on the negative side. I want my baby!

When I reached my doctor's clinic, as usual, I did a urine test for infection when I reported to the receptionist. I handed my ultrasound results to her and waited for my turn. I felt nervous. I was wondering whether my nightmare two days ago gonna become a reality. I am scared... very scared... very afraid of bad news... I prayed that my baby is still there, safe and sound...

It was my turn to see the doctor. My husband was with me. My x-ray film was hung on the lightbox, ready for my doctor to see. My heart was pumping very fast. I am afraid of what the doctor would tell me. I held my husband's hand tightly. My hands were cold. Finally, the doctor came in. He read the report from the ultrasound. Within seconds, and without hesitation, he told us my baby was not growing. He said "It is better to remove it." I was shocked. Very shocked... The world has tumbled down on me. I lost my words. I do not know what to say or ask. Then he asked me to lie down and examined me. He kept talking to me, telling me that "You are still young. You can try again. Your fibroids are too big. The baby is not healthy this time round, it is better to remove it fast." He tried to make me bleed... It hurt for a while. I just listened quietly, without saying a word. I became dumb. I had nothing to say. He said I need to go through a D&C (Dilatation and Curettage). I gotta be admitted to the hospital the next day. My uterus was weak to expel my baby. I did not bleed. None at all. My tears started to fill my eyes. My eyes could no longer hold my tears and rolled down my cheeks... The doctor asked "Do you have any questions to ask me?" I just shook my head. I dunno what to ask. He told me he will remove my baby, remove the fibroids, check for endometriosis, check the ovaries, check the fallopian tubes, etc. I am just overwhelmed by everything... I cannot think.

The nurse tested my blood, helped me to book a bed in the hospital, prepared a letter for admission, etc. I controlled my weeping... Hubby paid a deposit for the surgery and the cost of an expensive soluble bandange called "Intercede" to be used to cover my internal wound. On my way home, I cried in the car. I sms my sis that I lost my baby. I sms my two best friends. I felt very very sad and weepy and did not wish to talk to anyone. I cannot speak. I just want to be alone, with hubby...

When we reached home, hubby's mum was watching the TV in the living room. She asked "What did the doctor say?" I did not know how to reply her. I just cried. Hubby told her that the doctor had scheduled me for an operation tomorrow. I went to the room and cried for the whole nite...

"Why? Why? Why did it happen? Is it God punishing me? I had thoughts of aborting this little life, but I had decided to keep it. Why? Is God punishing me for having that thought?" People asked me to abort the pregnancy, but I had struggled to save it. Why does it have to end like this? Anyone can tell me why? Have I done anything wrong? Ate anything wrong? Why? Why? Why?