Life still has to go on...

I have not been blog-ging for a while. There are several things that had happened. First of all, I had my beautiful and memorable wedding. Then it was Chinese New Year celebration. And recently, a trip with my hubby to "The Golden Land" - Myanmar.

I have got over with the miscarriage, but I will think of my lost baby at times. The wound has healed, but not as perfect as before. Though the pregnancy has caused several problems for me, I gotta move on and seek treatment. I took slightly more than 2 months of complete resting in bed to physically recover from the surgery, and several more months to get over with the loss. I went through counselling too. Life has to continue. All these sufferings have made me become wiser and understand more about life. I feel that people who have been through a miscarriage will only understand how I felt and what I went through. I had nobody to talk to and was depressed for a while. My doctor knew that I am depressed. He would spend some time and talk to me when I see him. He do not rush through my consultation anymore. He gave me some advice about life. He's a wise and sympathetic man. I guess he knew how I felt.

In my last appointment with the doctor in Jan 05, he told me that I have endometriosis in my fallopian tubes. He told me that I cannot wait too long to try to conceive. He foresees that I will have problems conceiving again. He recommended me to go through a series of injections hoping to improve my condition. He told me that I was very very lucky to have conceived. The chance of recurrence is high. With the series of injections, it will reduce the chance of recurrence in my next pregnancy. In my mind, I was thinking, I dun wanna suffer another miscarriage. It's mentally and physically draining. Perhaps I looked very worried, and he said to me "You can still get pregnant."

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I still have to finish my thesis for my PhD. I have been on the writing phase for a year. I gotta graduate. It's not easy at all. I wanted to give it up, but that would means all my tears, perseverance and hard work would be a waste. I have finished all my experiments. I have done what I need to get the PhD. It's just left with the writing up. I have 9 chapters and I have finished 4.

My family keep asking me to finish my thesis. Yes, I know and I also want to. It's not easy. I get stressed thinking of my thesis. I get even more stressed when I just cannot get into the mood to write. Whenever I go out with my friends, they will ask about it. I feel awful... I wish they will not ask. Maybe I should heed my counsellor's advice - tell all of them that I will finish in 5 years' time. That will stop them asking for a while, perhaps.

Today, I feel awful... I want to write something for my thesis, but I have lost my motivation. I do not know what had happened to me. I used to be a disciplined and determined person to get what I want... Perhaps, this PhD is not really what I wanted. I have suffered for 4 years because of this mess. Everyday, for the past 4 years, I will have to tell myself that I love what I am doing. I read books about what to expect by going through a PhD program. I found a mentor along the way while in the darkest section of the tunnel. He told me to persevere and I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. These kept me going on for a while, and beat the highs and lows. I can remember myself crying everyday in the second half of my second year. Nobody knows cos I hide myself in one corner. I was so far away from home in a cold and moody land. I cried in my lab in front of my rig, I cried in my office in front of my computer, I cried myself to sleep in my room, I cried while cycling home, I cried in the toilets, I cried while sitting in a park in London in the cold wind, I think about my problems during meals... All these when I was so down and felt so homesick and helpless. It wasn't easy when there's so many rules to follow, trying to do trial and error work. I could be filling in all the paper work and running around to look for signatures before I could start a trial for 1-3 days, depending on whether the person involved was on leave. Then run the trial for perhaps a few minutes or a few hours, and knowing it failed. What a waste of time and energy! It's worse when I could not carry out my work all because of "health and safety". What I was doing was nothing new. It's just someone who wanted to exert his authority on me, and prevent my progress. I was so stressed... At one point, I was going crazy! I wanted to return home, but nobody wants me home, except my husband. I was in depression. I can be crying for the whole day till my tears run dry. Nobody knew. Not even the cleaner who would clean my room every week. I wanted to kill myself to get out of this mess. My senses told me to stop. I stumpled on a website www.buddhanet.net. I read about the buddha's life. I read about the sufferings and how to cope to the sufferings that I am going through. I read about the philosophy of life. I found some peace and comfort, and continued to the completion of my experiments.

All these are the past... I gotta move on... I tell myself that I will finish my thesis and graduate with all my friends this summer. By hook or by crook, I want to end this chapter of my life and start a new one!

I pray to God to give me the courage, and give me back the discipline and determination that I used to have...

I want a child of my own... and start a new chapter of my life...