How have I been?

Hello blogspot,

I have not been logging in for a while already. For the past 2 months, I have been trying to find some things to do to occupy my time, so that I will not have time to think too much. I have been trying to be happy and positive about life. It has not been an easy journey. Not at all.

I was happy and positive for a while. And these feelings did not last. I realised that I only have been avoiding my sadness and hiding it. To "cure" me, I gotta accept what has happened and accept what I cannot control.

I am trying to conceive, but to no avail. Sometimes I feel like a failure and could not find an answer to it. It's absolutely an awful feeling. I hate it. Now, I am trying to find the root of this problem. Perhaps it's becos of my desire, my desire to conceive.

Out of anger, I am telling my mind that I dun wan a baby anymore. Not anymore. If I ever conceive, I will go for an abortion. Baby only need me to care for. Baby cannot do anything for me. Not at all... I gotta put a stop to all my babies dreams and nightmares. I dun wan any baby anymore!