A peaceful week with some jitters.
I felt a bit jittery and moody this week cos I am having an appointment with my gynae. I dunno what will he suggests to treat my condition, and that I still cannot conceive. I have not had any good news before ever since I saw him since the last pregnancy. I went to see him on Saturday morning with hubby. We had to wait for 2 hours, but I was happy and relieved after that. Doc said that he will not give me more stress and give us 3 more months to try to conceive. I had a pap smear done and will wait for the results to be posted to me. I prayed that the results will show me "normal". We were asked if we want doctor to help us to conceive or we want to go natural. Having doubts of whether we want a baby, we chose to go natural. On one hand, we wanted a baby. But on the other hand, we were afraid of having a failed pregnancy again.
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Episodes of Thinking about Life
This week, I was thinking about life again. What should my priorities be?
Why do I want a baby?
I am searching my soul again. I wonder whether there are any reasons for my desire to have a baby. It all started after I had an unexpected pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage.
I asked myself several questions:
"Is it the media hype?" Maybe not, becos I have been avoiding all local TV programs and reading the newspapers. The government here is strongly promoting the idea and joy of having children, and having a "proper" family life. Very often, there are articles, advertisements, or TV shows about babies. I cannot help but felt sad for myself when I saw these. They affected my mood and reminded me of my miscarriage with much sadness.
"Is it being pregnant is trendy?" It seems like every where I go in this country, I will meet many pregnant lady. It has been a trend here to wear tight fitting clothings to show off the "tummy" too. Being pregnant used to be "ugly", but now it has become "trendy" and "beautiful".
"Is it the happiness that I will have with a baby?" I do not know the answer to this. My good friend told me it's the undescribable feeling of happiness when you hold your baby in your arms. Another friend told me it's the happiness and the amazing willingness to sacrifice for the kids. I see much happiness in them. I also see much happiness in people who are expecting their first child. Someone told me that she wanted a baby so badly becos she has enjoyed her last pregnancy. But I have not enjoyed my last pregnancy at all. It was just like a nightmare having to worry a lot about the high risk pregnancy that I had. The mental torture that I went through after that. For a while, I lost my direction in life. I was in depression...
"Is it that our age is catching up?" My gynae thinks that we should not wait to try to have kids since I am approaching 30 very soon. Hubby is already past 30. For this question, I know the answer. After reading through stories of the pain many have to go through while having IVF, and those who are above 35 having to go through many tests to make sure the baby is developing normally, I am afraid that I will end up like that if I were to wait. Now, me and hubby do not think that we will need a child, but what about 5 years down the road? Will we still be happy as a couple? It might be too late then if we decided that we want a child of our own eventually. Although some may think that the advancement in medical technology can make anything possible... But one never realise the pain and the limitations of the medical technology after having to go through it.
Sometimes, I think I should and must appreciate what I have now. I have a loving and caring husband. He gave me warmth and comfort. He will console me when I am sad and be my listening ears. I greatly appreciate that. Being togather for almost a decade, our relationship is still as strong and stable as before.
What are my priorities?
I keep pondering what should my priorities be. I think for now, it's to finish writing up my thesis and get done with the PhD and close that chapter in my life to start a new chapter. I have been through a lot to get that PhD. At times, I feel like giving up, but I tell myself that I got to persevere. I know, if I were to give it up, my family, especially my parents will be so upset and disappointed. I wanted to give them a gift. I think seeing their own child completing the highest education is the best present that I can give them. You know, high education and paper chase is an Asian thing... They would be so proud of me. I want to give my parents a better life, I want to let them travel around the world, I want to provide for their needs... but the thought of the unfinished PhD sets me back. I thought, since I am living in a "paper society", I should complete and graduate with honour, and get a high paying career. I want to give my parents a happy and comfortable life, I want to retire with hubby with a comfortable life, I want to live comfortably... Nowadays, these are the wants that let me go on...
This week, I have made a step forward to the finishing line. While swimming, I had thought of a way how to restructure my thesis and make it easier for me to complete it. It's a small accomplishment though... At least, I have started the engine...
**************************************************************************
Episodes of Thinking about Life
This week, I was thinking about life again. What should my priorities be?
Why do I want a baby?
I am searching my soul again. I wonder whether there are any reasons for my desire to have a baby. It all started after I had an unexpected pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage.
I asked myself several questions:
"Is it the media hype?" Maybe not, becos I have been avoiding all local TV programs and reading the newspapers. The government here is strongly promoting the idea and joy of having children, and having a "proper" family life. Very often, there are articles, advertisements, or TV shows about babies. I cannot help but felt sad for myself when I saw these. They affected my mood and reminded me of my miscarriage with much sadness.
"Is it being pregnant is trendy?" It seems like every where I go in this country, I will meet many pregnant lady. It has been a trend here to wear tight fitting clothings to show off the "tummy" too. Being pregnant used to be "ugly", but now it has become "trendy" and "beautiful".
"Is it the happiness that I will have with a baby?" I do not know the answer to this. My good friend told me it's the undescribable feeling of happiness when you hold your baby in your arms. Another friend told me it's the happiness and the amazing willingness to sacrifice for the kids. I see much happiness in them. I also see much happiness in people who are expecting their first child. Someone told me that she wanted a baby so badly becos she has enjoyed her last pregnancy. But I have not enjoyed my last pregnancy at all. It was just like a nightmare having to worry a lot about the high risk pregnancy that I had. The mental torture that I went through after that. For a while, I lost my direction in life. I was in depression...
"Is it that our age is catching up?" My gynae thinks that we should not wait to try to have kids since I am approaching 30 very soon. Hubby is already past 30. For this question, I know the answer. After reading through stories of the pain many have to go through while having IVF, and those who are above 35 having to go through many tests to make sure the baby is developing normally, I am afraid that I will end up like that if I were to wait. Now, me and hubby do not think that we will need a child, but what about 5 years down the road? Will we still be happy as a couple? It might be too late then if we decided that we want a child of our own eventually. Although some may think that the advancement in medical technology can make anything possible... But one never realise the pain and the limitations of the medical technology after having to go through it.
Sometimes, I think I should and must appreciate what I have now. I have a loving and caring husband. He gave me warmth and comfort. He will console me when I am sad and be my listening ears. I greatly appreciate that. Being togather for almost a decade, our relationship is still as strong and stable as before.
What are my priorities?
I keep pondering what should my priorities be. I think for now, it's to finish writing up my thesis and get done with the PhD and close that chapter in my life to start a new chapter. I have been through a lot to get that PhD. At times, I feel like giving up, but I tell myself that I got to persevere. I know, if I were to give it up, my family, especially my parents will be so upset and disappointed. I wanted to give them a gift. I think seeing their own child completing the highest education is the best present that I can give them. You know, high education and paper chase is an Asian thing... They would be so proud of me. I want to give my parents a better life, I want to let them travel around the world, I want to provide for their needs... but the thought of the unfinished PhD sets me back. I thought, since I am living in a "paper society", I should complete and graduate with honour, and get a high paying career. I want to give my parents a happy and comfortable life, I want to retire with hubby with a comfortable life, I want to live comfortably... Nowadays, these are the wants that let me go on...
This week, I have made a step forward to the finishing line. While swimming, I had thought of a way how to restructure my thesis and make it easier for me to complete it. It's a small accomplishment though... At least, I have started the engine...
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