Are women "selfish"?

This morning, I met someone who was frustrated, disappointed and angry with her husband because he's sick and could not perform in bed to "make baby". The wife wanted to have a baby very badly and it has been a very stressful period of time ever since her miscarriage. I have been through that a few months ago.

I thought to myself, am I selfish to get angry? I think I am. Hubby also dun wanna be sick. I shouldn't be angry with him for something that he has no control of. Hubby has been very patient with me and care for me... How can I forgot to love me for a moment just to attain my goal of having a baby... Now, I have learnt to appreciate my hubby more and stop thinking about making babies. What will be, will be...

Just something to share. I read a book about women. One of the thing is that women, by nature, tends to only remember and notice the negative things about their man. I dunno if it's 100% true. After reading the book, I sat down and think "is that why I am so unhappy everytime". So I tried to find and realise the little things that my hubby do for me. I try to remember things that he did that make me happy :). It does put less strain to our relationship, and make me appreciate the things that he does more.

Another point is women will tell men "You always like this", or "You never do this". The words "always" and "never" will just come out naturally from a woman. And the men will think, it's not always and not never. There was once when I was angry and tell my hubby "you always need me to remind you". Then he told me "where got always". Then I reflect back what I have read and told him "it's woman talking ma". haha... I find it quite true. It's just that "sometimes" becomes "always" in a woman...

Sigh...

My department emailed to me last nite asking my how am I doing and how's my baby. And whether I decide to continue with the PhD. I thought for a while and replied. It took me some time to gain the courage to click "send". My tears rolled down my cheeks as I typed the reply. I have to tell the department that my baby is gone. I was quite emotional. I thought I have got over it and ready to tell anyone who ask... but... I ain't ready...

I think maybe I have felt so emotional is because when I was pregnant, the PhD was behind my head all the time. People asked me to go for abortion because I should finish my PhD first. I considered abortion because I have to finish my PhD first... Maybe that's why I felt so sad...

Life - parents.

I read a weblog of someone who relied on his mum since he was nineteen cos he broke his neck at nineteen and was disabled. His mum passed away and he dearly missed her and appreciate what his mum had done for him. He wrote about his regrets of shouting at his mum, and not being able to take good care of her. It was a very touching story and it made me think again.

I have my mum and dad - a complete family. I should appreciate what I have now and not take my parents for granted. I think parents are whom you can get unconditional love. After the miscarriage, I can understand the hurt and disappointment of a mother can get losing a child. I have met several people who went through miscarriage and trying very hard to conceive again. I have read about women who are willing to go through anything to get conceive. It makes me think how precious your own child can be. All these made me feel that I should cherish my parents and love them more.

Bubur cha cha...

I tried to cook "bubur cha cha" yesterday and today (*_*) . It was a success. Yesterday my sis had two big bowls for dinner!

The ingredients are:
Sweet potato, yam, gula melaka, sugar, pandan leaves, coconut milk, tapioca flour, sago pearls, banana. I find banana blend in very well with the taste.
First, cut the sweet potato and yam into cubes and steam them till cooked.
Boil a pot of water, then add the sago pearls to boil till transparent. I have found a secret. Initially I boiled the pearls for more than an hour and it still do not turn transparent. Turn off the fire, let the pearls stand in the boiling water for a while. It seems like this method will make them turn transparent faster. Then rinse the transparent pearls in cold water.
Nex boil some water and add to the tapioca flour and stir. The mixture that I have made was not able to be handled by hand, so I used two spoons. Scoop some in put into boiling water. Continue to boil for a while. Then turn off the fire and leave it to stand. The flour mixture will become transparent.
Next boil some water with pandan leaves, gula melaka, and sugar. Gula melaka will give the bubur cha cha a bit more fragrance and taste that is different from what sugar can give. Boil the water for a while till you can smell the pandan and the fragrance of the gula melaka. Then add the coconut milk and keep stirring as you add. I used the packet Nara brand coconut cream. Add till you like the taste. I like the tastiness of the coconut milk, so I added quite a bit... Then add the steamed sweet potato, steamed yam, transparent sago pearls, transparent tapioca flour into the coconut milk mixture. Keep stirring till the bubur cha cha boil. Bingo! Bubur cha cha is ready!
Ooops, almost forgot about the banana. Slice the bananas and put into the bowl. Then scoop the boiling hot bubur cha cha on them! Delicious...

Labour Day - 2005

It's Labour day today. Hubby gotta work overnite tonite.

The month of April had passed by so fast. I did not have much accomplishment with my thesis. I have surfed the web a lot looking for information. I wanted to finish a chapter, but I do not have the motivation to. I know I gotta persevere and work harder. This week, I felt stress and I had been swimming daily. For the past few days, I swam fast. I do not know where did I get the energy to swim fast without feeling as tired as before. Maybe my stamina has increased.

Today, I was super duper tired. I woke up at 10am and went grocery shopping at cold storage with hubby. I had never felt so tired before. I could just close my eyes. For some reason, my tiredness was accompanied by a headache. What's wrong with me eih? "I dunno" will be the answer.

After dinner, I was surfing the web again to look for recipes for "bubur chacha". I stumbled upon a website (http://penangfaces.chanlilian.net/) with some interesting write up about food from Penang - a place famous for good food in Peninsula Malaysia. There's a link to the author's website for her son at http://www.geocities.com/my_little_vincent/. I read through the articles in the links and I felt sad. Her son, Vincent was a premature baby and did not manage to pull through the ordeal of being premature. His mom was a very strong lady indeed. From the articles she wrote, I can feel the pain that she had gone through. May god bless her...

I think back about my miscarriage. I should be strong cos my baby was not with me as long. I did not went through a lot as compared to Lilian and many others out there. I thank God for giving me the strength to go on with life.