Another loss.

Hi,
I have not been logging in here for quite some time now. Recently, I lost another pregnancy.

Here's my story:

I was on clomidphene to induce ovulation from CD5 to CD9. Clomidphene taste very bitter and yucky. These pills just dissolve in the mouth even before you get the chance to drink water and swallow it. Sometimes, it's just so dissolvable that this little super bitter thing get stuck along the way in the throat. Yucks! I am not going to take anymore clomidphene...

It was pretty effective though, cos I got pregnant! I finally got a BFP (big fat positive) on my home pregnancy test kits. I had a triphasic BBT (basal body temperature). I tested on 29June05 and I got a super duper faint line on the HPT. Then I tested again on 1July05. It was a clear positive. I was delighted. I could not believe my eyes. I tested again on 2July05 and 4July05 just to confirm again that I am indeed PREGNANT again! Then I made an appointment to see my gynaecologist on 9July05.

Here comes the drama...

On 6July05, I saw blood when I went to the toilet when I woke up. I was afraid that I am going to have a miscarriage. I called my gynaecologist. I told the nurse that I tested positive on the pregnancy test kit and I am bleeding red blood. I was told to go and see my doctor immediately. I rushed to the clinic. I was told to do another urine pregnancy test. Then I was offered a bed to lie down while waiting for my turn. My bleeding was reduced. I thank God for that at that moment.

When it was my turn to see my gynae, I got the results of the pregnancy test. It's a negative! I was shocked. My gynae did an abdominal scan for me and could not find anything. I told him, it's impossible cos I tested 3 times positive at home. I was very disappointed. My gynae told me to do a blood test. I went for it and went home after that. I went home, feeling disappointed and in disbelief. How can I get 3 positives at home. I have used 2 different brands of HPT. It's pretty impossible that I get false positives.

I was told to see my gynaecologist again the next day on 7 July 05. I was given the last appointment of the day and was feeling very nervous. The blood test results showed positive! See, I can't be wrong... I can't be getting 3 false positives! My gynae analysed the stage of pregnancy I was in from my BBT. He said the sac could be seen already. He did a vaginal scan for me and could not find the sac! After analysing my BBT and my hormones level from the blood test, he said I should go for a detailed pelvic scan. He said he could give me hormones injections, and could stop my bleeding. However, it's no use if the baby is not growing properly. He told me to go for the ultrasound the next day and see him again with my husband. He insisted that my husband should see him too. I think something is very wrong this time... I was sad. Gynae suspected I am having an ectopic pregnancy this time. I had symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy! I felt pain in my abdomen, and I felt giddy for no reason. I told my hubby when I got home. He was very sad and secretly cried. I could not sleep that nite. I was in disbelief.

On 8 July 05, I went for the pelvic ultrasound. I wanted to delay the ultrasound, but gynae insisted that I get it done as soon as possible, just in case anything happen to me during the weekends. It was the most painful ultrasound I had ever experienced. The embryo sac could not be found. I had a complex lesion in the left. The report stated that ectopic pregnancy cannot be ruled out. I did not want to believe the report. I waited for my husband at the hospital and went to see my gynae. My gynae read and explained the report to us. I was very sad... very very sad indeed. I thought to myself "how could this happen to me". Why is it me? Why?

Gynae suggested further actions to us - laparoscopy and D&C. I wanted it to be done the next week, but gynae insisted that I get it done as soon as possible. I was not prepared for it at all. I did not know what to say. I was scared. I was thinking "my God, another surgery". I was scared of the pain that I had to go through. I got very nervous and broke down. Then we decided to have it done on Monday. Stupid me, asked gynae for "anti-giddiness" medication cos I was feeling faint and it's getting worse. Geesh... Gynae then asked me to have the laparoscopy done the next day! Get it done on Saturday! I was thinking "stupid me... I should not have asked for it". Gynae explained that he was afraid that if I drag further, there's a possibility that I will collapse. It would be worse if I collapse while sleeping at home. "Oh, my God!" How? How? How? I am afraid of surgery... It's painful... Gynae assured me that it will not be as painful. And I agreed unwillingly...

When I got home, I told my sis and my mum. Hubby told his mum. We were quite sad. I tried my best not to think about it. I tried to remain positive and happy. I asked myself what could be worse than this. I gotta accept the inevitable. I must not fall into depression again. All these are God's will. I did not cry anymore...

On 9 July 05, I was having a nap before going to the hospital. I felt very giddy and constant pain. I could heard sobbing sounds from the toilet. I knew my hubby is crying in the toilet. He hid himself in the toilet for an hour. He tried to smile when he came out. But I knew he cried. I treid to change the mood to a happier one. It's not as bad...

We reported to the reception when we arrived in the hospital. We were brought to my ward and bed. My weight was taken, blood pressure checked, and temperature checked. I gotta answer several questions from the nurse about my medical history. The porter from the operating theatre came earlier than expected! My God! Why so fast! I got changed into the gown and was pushed to the operating theatre... It was very cold in there. The friendly and caring nurse there gave me a warm blanket. It was pretty comforting. I was asked again and again my name, what I was there for, and my medical history. I was put on the operating table. It was pretty comfortable cos it's heated underneath. We waited for the anaesthetist and my gynae. Soon I was put to sleep by injections and a foul smelling gas. I was told to breathe in deeply. My God! I am scared...