Swim away the stress.

Today, I am feeling stressed and lethargic. I did not do what I am suppose to. I have no motivation. The weather is so hot and humid. I feel pain in my tummy. I am worried what's wrong with me, but I try not to think about it. But the pain is still there...

I went for a swim and swam 12 laps. Usually I will swim 10 laps, but today I swam 12. I like the peace and calmness when I soaked my head in the water. I can hear my "blow bubbles". HOw I wish I can soak myself in the water just like the fishes and listen to the bubbling sound in the water. After swimming, I felt warm today. Maybe it's the weather or maybe I was sweating cos I swam "hard". I had a soak in the jacuzzi for about 20 minutes. Then I swam another two laps before going for a shower.

I watched the TV after dinner. There's a scene of someone having a miscarriage with lots of blood flowing down the legs. I felt very sad and scared... The scene put some shiver to my nerves. My imagination went wild. I am scared that I will have to go through that too if I do get pregnant again...

May God Bless me...

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Thinking about reality:

I am reading articles on Buddhanet again. These are the quotes that I came across:

"When you really feel the need to seek refuge, we must always keep in our minds that the Buddha can't help us without us helping ourselves first. The phenomenon of merely praying for help is rampant, especially with students during the examination periods, without realising this simple and subtle truth - we are our best help, only if we try. It is dangerous not to realise that, for then, not only is the problem left unsolved, we might start to shift the blame to those we expect help to come from."

"It is better to conquer oneself than to win a thousand battles."

"Smile: The definition of Giving in Buddhism is the widest you can ever dream of. Even a simple sincere smile at a stranger is a gift of Loving-kindness. The next time you catch a stranger in the eye, don't look away abruptly or glare on lifelessly. Generate a thought of well-being for him or her and smile! What a simple yet effective way of creating positive karmic connections!"

I had a nightmare!

I was so sad yesterday. First of all, I woke up early in the morning with a nightmare. I dreamt that I was pregnant again, and it ended with a miscarriage again :(. I dunno why I had this dream, but it just came to me... sobs... I told my hubby about the dream. Without much hesitation, he said to me, "Ok, we dun wan a baby." That made me very sad too...

Next, I found someone on the internet who seems to know a lot about temperature charting and ovulation testings. I emailed her my temperature chart which I have been plotting for some comments. From my chart, she suspected that I might be ovulating immature egg :( It has never come across my mind. I hate to know that there is more medical condition that will hinder me from conceiving.

Ok, I will try to forget about the dream. I will not believe that I am ovulating immature egg. I will believe that I have ovulated earlier than expected this cycle. Sigh... this "trying to conceive" phase is so stressful... Maybe I will stop all the testings and the temperature taking cycles... I will just tell my gynae "It's too stressful for me."

Coping with LOSS.

Hello blogspot,

Today I was surfing the web again and found a useful article about coping with a loss. I will write down some of the pointers here and it might help someone.

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What does loss feel like?

It is normal for your reaction to a loss to change over time. Usually, at first you will have a feeling of numbness. You might also experience "denial," which means that you don't really believe or accept that the loss really happened.
After you have accepted that the loss is real, it is common to experience all kinds of very powerful feelings like anger and extreme sadness. It is also common to feel guilt in response to a loss, as if you should have done something to prevent the loss or should have been more caring or thoughtful before the loss happened. All of these feelings are normal.
It may take a long time, but eventually you will come to accept the loss. Slowly, over time, your feelings will become less intense and finally return to normal. No one can say exactly how long it will take to accept a loss, but give yourself time, and you will start to feel better each day.


Is there any way to avoid the painful feelings?

Painful feelings are always part of loss, but there are some things that can help you get through the experience. One of the most important things to remember is to take care of your health by eating, getting enough rest, and avoiding drugs and alcohol.
If possible, try not to make any major decisions until you are feeling better, since you probably aren't thinking as clearly as you usually do. Expressing your feelings through talking, writing, music, art, or some other form of expression is often helpful. It can also help to stick to your usual daily routines. It is important to be patient with yourself. While it is impossible to predict exactly how someone will respond to a loss and how long the feelings will last, in most cases, people are able to adjust to loss and move ahead with their lives-in time.


What can I do to help someone through a loss?

Although it may not sound like much, just "being there" is the most important thing you can do to help someone who is coping with a loss. It may feel uncomfortable to be around someone who is experiencing something so difficult. You may feel helpless because there is nothing you can do to take away the pain. However, listening to the person's feelings, sharing memories, and helping with everyday things like preparing meals and doing errands can be extremely helpful. For someone who has suffered a loss, the presence of friends is an important reminder that the loss is only one part of his or her life, and that they are not all alone.


What if I don't start to feel better?

It is important to get professional help if you feel like you can't cope with the loss on your own. Some signs that you should seek professional help include:
~ Spending a lot of time alone, instead of with friends and family
~ Changes in sleeping or eating, or lack of interest in normal, daily activities
~ Using drugs and alcohol to numb your feelings
~ Doing risky things that you usually wouldn't do
~ Feeling like you want to harm yourself in any way

Anyone who feels that the pain from a loss is too much to handle should think about talking to a professional counselor. Counselors can be helpful when people feel they are having trouble getting over a loss. The most important things to remember about coping with loss are:
~ Be patient with yourself
~ Find healthy ways to let your feelings out
~ Let people who are close to you offer their support
~ See a counselor if you feel like you could use help with getting through your loss

A peaceful week with some jitters.

I felt a bit jittery and moody this week cos I am having an appointment with my gynae. I dunno what will he suggests to treat my condition, and that I still cannot conceive. I have not had any good news before ever since I saw him since the last pregnancy. I went to see him on Saturday morning with hubby. We had to wait for 2 hours, but I was happy and relieved after that. Doc said that he will not give me more stress and give us 3 more months to try to conceive. I had a pap smear done and will wait for the results to be posted to me. I prayed that the results will show me "normal". We were asked if we want doctor to help us to conceive or we want to go natural. Having doubts of whether we want a baby, we chose to go natural. On one hand, we wanted a baby. But on the other hand, we were afraid of having a failed pregnancy again.

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Episodes of Thinking about Life

This week, I was thinking about life again. What should my priorities be?

Why do I want a baby?
I am searching my soul again. I wonder whether there are any reasons for my desire to have a baby. It all started after I had an unexpected pregnancy, followed by a miscarriage.
I asked myself several questions:

"Is it the media hype?" Maybe not, becos I have been avoiding all local TV programs and reading the newspapers. The government here is strongly promoting the idea and joy of having children, and having a "proper" family life. Very often, there are articles, advertisements, or TV shows about babies. I cannot help but felt sad for myself when I saw these. They affected my mood and reminded me of my miscarriage with much sadness.

"Is it being pregnant is trendy?" It seems like every where I go in this country, I will meet many pregnant lady. It has been a trend here to wear tight fitting clothings to show off the "tummy" too. Being pregnant used to be "ugly", but now it has become "trendy" and "beautiful".

"Is it the happiness that I will have with a baby?" I do not know the answer to this. My good friend told me it's the undescribable feeling of happiness when you hold your baby in your arms. Another friend told me it's the happiness and the amazing willingness to sacrifice for the kids. I see much happiness in them. I also see much happiness in people who are expecting their first child. Someone told me that she wanted a baby so badly becos she has enjoyed her last pregnancy. But I have not enjoyed my last pregnancy at all. It was just like a nightmare having to worry a lot about the high risk pregnancy that I had. The mental torture that I went through after that. For a while, I lost my direction in life. I was in depression...

"Is it that our age is catching up?" My gynae thinks that we should not wait to try to have kids since I am approaching 30 very soon. Hubby is already past 30. For this question, I know the answer. After reading through stories of the pain many have to go through while having IVF, and those who are above 35 having to go through many tests to make sure the baby is developing normally, I am afraid that I will end up like that if I were to wait. Now, me and hubby do not think that we will need a child, but what about 5 years down the road? Will we still be happy as a couple? It might be too late then if we decided that we want a child of our own eventually. Although some may think that the advancement in medical technology can make anything possible... But one never realise the pain and the limitations of the medical technology after having to go through it.


Sometimes, I think I should and must appreciate what I have now. I have a loving and caring husband. He gave me warmth and comfort. He will console me when I am sad and be my listening ears. I greatly appreciate that. Being togather for almost a decade, our relationship is still as strong and stable as before.



What are my priorities?
I keep pondering what should my priorities be. I think for now, it's to finish writing up my thesis and get done with the PhD and close that chapter in my life to start a new chapter. I have been through a lot to get that PhD. At times, I feel like giving up, but I tell myself that I got to persevere. I know, if I were to give it up, my family, especially my parents will be so upset and disappointed. I wanted to give them a gift. I think seeing their own child completing the highest education is the best present that I can give them. You know, high education and paper chase is an Asian thing... They would be so proud of me. I want to give my parents a better life, I want to let them travel around the world, I want to provide for their needs... but the thought of the unfinished PhD sets me back. I thought, since I am living in a "paper society", I should complete and graduate with honour, and get a high paying career. I want to give my parents a happy and comfortable life, I want to retire with hubby with a comfortable life, I want to live comfortably... Nowadays, these are the wants that let me go on...


This week, I have made a step forward to the finishing line. While swimming, I had thought of a way how to restructure my thesis and make it easier for me to complete it. It's a small accomplishment though... At least, I have started the engine...

Life still has to go on...

I have not been blog-ging for a while. There are several things that had happened. First of all, I had my beautiful and memorable wedding. Then it was Chinese New Year celebration. And recently, a trip with my hubby to "The Golden Land" - Myanmar.

I have got over with the miscarriage, but I will think of my lost baby at times. The wound has healed, but not as perfect as before. Though the pregnancy has caused several problems for me, I gotta move on and seek treatment. I took slightly more than 2 months of complete resting in bed to physically recover from the surgery, and several more months to get over with the loss. I went through counselling too. Life has to continue. All these sufferings have made me become wiser and understand more about life. I feel that people who have been through a miscarriage will only understand how I felt and what I went through. I had nobody to talk to and was depressed for a while. My doctor knew that I am depressed. He would spend some time and talk to me when I see him. He do not rush through my consultation anymore. He gave me some advice about life. He's a wise and sympathetic man. I guess he knew how I felt.

In my last appointment with the doctor in Jan 05, he told me that I have endometriosis in my fallopian tubes. He told me that I cannot wait too long to try to conceive. He foresees that I will have problems conceiving again. He recommended me to go through a series of injections hoping to improve my condition. He told me that I was very very lucky to have conceived. The chance of recurrence is high. With the series of injections, it will reduce the chance of recurrence in my next pregnancy. In my mind, I was thinking, I dun wanna suffer another miscarriage. It's mentally and physically draining. Perhaps I looked very worried, and he said to me "You can still get pregnant."

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I still have to finish my thesis for my PhD. I have been on the writing phase for a year. I gotta graduate. It's not easy at all. I wanted to give it up, but that would means all my tears, perseverance and hard work would be a waste. I have finished all my experiments. I have done what I need to get the PhD. It's just left with the writing up. I have 9 chapters and I have finished 4.

My family keep asking me to finish my thesis. Yes, I know and I also want to. It's not easy. I get stressed thinking of my thesis. I get even more stressed when I just cannot get into the mood to write. Whenever I go out with my friends, they will ask about it. I feel awful... I wish they will not ask. Maybe I should heed my counsellor's advice - tell all of them that I will finish in 5 years' time. That will stop them asking for a while, perhaps.

Today, I feel awful... I want to write something for my thesis, but I have lost my motivation. I do not know what had happened to me. I used to be a disciplined and determined person to get what I want... Perhaps, this PhD is not really what I wanted. I have suffered for 4 years because of this mess. Everyday, for the past 4 years, I will have to tell myself that I love what I am doing. I read books about what to expect by going through a PhD program. I found a mentor along the way while in the darkest section of the tunnel. He told me to persevere and I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. These kept me going on for a while, and beat the highs and lows. I can remember myself crying everyday in the second half of my second year. Nobody knows cos I hide myself in one corner. I was so far away from home in a cold and moody land. I cried in my lab in front of my rig, I cried in my office in front of my computer, I cried myself to sleep in my room, I cried while cycling home, I cried in the toilets, I cried while sitting in a park in London in the cold wind, I think about my problems during meals... All these when I was so down and felt so homesick and helpless. It wasn't easy when there's so many rules to follow, trying to do trial and error work. I could be filling in all the paper work and running around to look for signatures before I could start a trial for 1-3 days, depending on whether the person involved was on leave. Then run the trial for perhaps a few minutes or a few hours, and knowing it failed. What a waste of time and energy! It's worse when I could not carry out my work all because of "health and safety". What I was doing was nothing new. It's just someone who wanted to exert his authority on me, and prevent my progress. I was so stressed... At one point, I was going crazy! I wanted to return home, but nobody wants me home, except my husband. I was in depression. I can be crying for the whole day till my tears run dry. Nobody knew. Not even the cleaner who would clean my room every week. I wanted to kill myself to get out of this mess. My senses told me to stop. I stumpled on a website www.buddhanet.net. I read about the buddha's life. I read about the sufferings and how to cope to the sufferings that I am going through. I read about the philosophy of life. I found some peace and comfort, and continued to the completion of my experiments.

All these are the past... I gotta move on... I tell myself that I will finish my thesis and graduate with all my friends this summer. By hook or by crook, I want to end this chapter of my life and start a new one!

I pray to God to give me the courage, and give me back the discipline and determination that I used to have...

I want a child of my own... and start a new chapter of my life...